Avec de la ficelle et du papier

Mơ mộng là nốt ruồi son của đời sống. Tôi mơ mộng suốt ngày, mơ mộng nhiều hơn hành động. Tại sao lại sợ mơ mộng? Hành động là một thứ hình thức sa đoạ của mơ mộng, hành động là mơ mộng không đúng lối. Biết mơ mộng, mơ mộng rằng mình đang mơ mộng, thức trong mơ mộng, thở với mộng mị, đi trong mộng, mộng rằng mình đang mộng. Nốt ruồi son của tôi, trong thân thể tôi, là những tháp chuông vào lúc 11 giờ khuya, lúc người gánh cỏ vừa trở về mở cổng, tiếng gà đêm kêu ríu rít. Tôi sống ngoài không gian, ngoài thời gian, mơ mộng là bay mãi trên trời, chìm trong gió, làm bạn bè với bầy chim hải âu, tắm trên đầu ngọn mưa cuối hạ, thở với trái tim non của con chim sẻ. 

Đoạn này Thiện viết trong quyển Mặt trời không bao giờ có thực.

Tôi nghĩ loại như chúng ta phần nhiều khốn khổ vì sự mâu thuẫn giữa bản chất inactive của mơ mộng và thói đời đòi hỏi phải hành động quyết liệt nhằm sinh tồn trong một xã hội biến động như gió miền biển tháng 4. 

Nếu chỉ ngồi xuống một chiếc ghế và chỉ mơ mộng suy tư, hẳn đời đã khá(c). Hầu hết những bạn bè cũ đã rời khỏi ghế và bước sang một trạng thái hành động liên tục. Tôi còn sót lại trong cuộc chơi từ thanh xuân, chẳng qua vì tôi đã không nhượng bộ, không thỏa hiệp với những hành động, tôi rất cố chấp muốn giữ mình còn mơ mộng, phi thực tế. Nhưng mà liệu có còn được lâu nữa chăng?

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Posted by : Man vu

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Lên mù sương, xuống mù sương

Bước xa bờ cỏ xa đường thương yêu

Tuổi thơ em có buồn nhiều 

Thì xin cứ để bóng chiều đi qua

Biển dâu sực tỉnh giang hà

Còn sơ nguyên mộng sau tà áo xanh

B.G

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Posted by : Man vu

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A sense of ending

This is the corner behind my desk. Full of children books, postcards from friends, notes from coworkers and quotes from Shakespeare.

Today is 21st of March. Every year since 2011, I celebrate this day. It's the first day of spring and it also started a spring in my life. I have celebrated this day with my coworker, from Willi, chị Ngân to Alfredo, chị Nhiên, etc,. This year, I celebrate it for the last time. Next time, I will have chance, or I can say I have right to miss it.

When I finished my first year, my former supervisor asked me if I still wanted to continue working. Since then every last day of each year, I had habit to question myself why I want to stay with RtR. Not because of people, salary or any benefit, though I really appreciate them. They gave me a lot, changed my life, helped me to get over the darkest moments during 6 years. I knew well I stayed for the work itself. I call it love. I feel thankful for what I received. Only with that love, I can endure and tolerate for all miscommunication, disappointments, gossips, toxic feelings and unfair judgments. 

This morning, I woke up in tears. These days are very tough. The taste of a sad ending is not easy at all. Love, family and work are all in trouble. And all those toxic conversations last week at workplace broke me into pieces. I wonder where all of them come from? Hatred, misunderstanding, intolerance, or what else. Or from miserableness of people. On the way coming back from the office last week, I really want to take my passport and run away immediately to somewhere. All the terrible syndromes of November suddenly came back to me like a hurricane. My vulnerable defense system has just been built from the therapy session with Mila in December and now it collapsed. 

Mila called me again. I don't know why she always appears when I need support most. How can she feel it when she is in Brazil now? Quick and short conversation. And again, she asked me to not close my heart, to not defense for myself. It's not a war. Remember about good things, memorable memories.

Coincidentally, tonight I went to visit a private class for primary students, organized by two friends. I came late. When I entered to the classroom, I found out that they were using the very first book that I wrote for RtR in 2011, the An unlikely friend. I nearly cried again when a child came to me and asked : "I know you, you are in the cover of the book. So do you like whale?"

And I choose to love, again, the work itself. I choose to remember about it. I am still in love with it though it's time for leaving.

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Posted by : Man vu

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My mind is like a bottle. 

Too full.

Like a river in storm.

Overwhelmed.

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Posted by : Man vu

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A kumquat

I had a long day. Exact 12 hours working with a lot of numbers and thoughts. I came back home at 10pm and too exhausted. However instead of going to sleep, I really wanted to draw a tree and listen to a song from Plum village. I'm glad I did.

Few days ago, I found a poem of Gu Cheng. The last paragraphs are too beautiful:

We walk so far

To look for a lantern

You say,

It is just by the sea

Beautiful as the kumquat

All those children who love it

Will grow up in the morning

We walk so far

To look for a lantern

I really want to draw a kumquat. That thought came to my mind since the New year Eve when my dad talked about his decision to not buy one like other families. He reminded himself about the year my grandpa passed away. That year, he bought a kumquat. Then 20 years later, another grandpa also passed away. He had bought a kumquat again. There is a relation between a tree and the upcoming death. I have never realized that he could be so sensitive about a tree like that. Or maybe about death. Both of us are growing old. My dad and I. 

I don't know who you are, but if you are reading these words, listen to this beautiful song with me.

https://soundcloud.com/user-775874311/alone-again

just your pity, just your love

invincible limitless

hatred will never let you face the beast in man

and one day when you face this beast alone

your courage intact, your eyes kind

out of your smile will bloom a flower

and those who love you will behold you

across ten thousand worlds of dying of dying and birth

...

and know that everything will be alright. Someday. Somehow.

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Posted by : Man vu

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Chúng mình đi quá xa

Chúng mình đi quá xa
Tìm một ngọn đèn

Anh bảo,
Nó nằm ngay bên biển thôi
Đẹp như thể cây quất
Mà hết thảy bé thơ đem lòng yêu mến
Rồi cũng trở mình lớn dậy lúc bình minh

.................


We walk so far
To look for a lantern

You say,
It is behind the curtain
Encircled by alabaster walls
Wild flowers transplanted from dusk
Will change into another color

We walk so far
To look for a lantern

You say,
It is on a small station
Gazing at the wild grass around
Letting the train pass quietly by
But taking mild memory away

We walk so far
To look for a lantern

You say,
It is just by the sea
Beautiful as the kumquat
All those children who love it
Will grow up in the morning

We walk so far
To look for a lantern

Gu Cheng - 1980/11

Sẽ vẽ một cây quất để kèm vào bài này, nhưng không phải là tối nay.

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Posted by : Man vu

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If we were strangers, after hours, days, months, years, after all kind of lovers, marriages, divorces, deaths, there would be only a few lines in newspaper. A bunch of words. 

Though recently, even newspaper is not common any more. Not many people still read newspaper. 

It means that nothing will be left. Is that a quote from Da Vinci? "Nothing will be left, nothing in the air, nothing under the earth, nothing in the waters. All will be exterminated."

Nothing. 

Good!

But do you remember smell of rain in that April? Do you remember the sunlight on my bare shoulder? Do you remember...

No. 

Would be. Should be.

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Posted by : Man vu

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